dude so i had the craziest dream

so it started out as a halloween thing (although my mind might have done so bc it was fat tuesday yesterday) and we were all going out to sf to do costume party stuff, and it was like an entire town thing. like every store and everyone was involved and participating. so we (not sure exactly who was there) got to this one party at a business whose owner we somehow knew, and in my costume (i forget what it was but…i was like pretty fucking good) and these hot chicks tried to grab me to go with their party but i got dragged back into the lame ass party we were in by someone. so our party wound down pretty early, and i was super disappointed, so we all wandered up and down sf, and we were somewhere on the edge of commercial districts, perhaps analogous to the marina district. we progressed uphill in search of bars or parties, and managed to wind up at an amsterdam weed cafe style joint on a very steep hill. btw there was an uphill trolley running on a mechanism similar to those in-home wheelchair lifts. after deciding getting stoned wouldnt be the most ideal choice, considering there were no girls at the place and it was pretty much empty, we progressed to the wharf and wound up on a party boat. only this boat eventually contained a terrorist who had several nuclear devices hidden on the ship, and was planning to bomb SF harbor. at this point the halloween backdrop sort of disappears… so after much martial arts and sworrdfighting with unnamed and faceless enemies, i bumped into this super hot girl who was also swordfighting on our side. although at first we almost killed each other bc i thought she was the enemy. so logn story short we try to have sex while all of this is going on, but i have a fucking nuke to defuse, so i push her into a small closet on the ship’s bridge deck, (shes half naked of course, and im very disappointed that i still have to rescue the city) and promise her ill be back. after a frantic battle in the bridge room, i manage to detach the nuclear devices from the standard explosive portions of the bombs and toss the bombs into the sea. most of them detonated underwater, but i threw one of them too far, and it destroyed a portion of the harbor. my bad. oh shit, and i forgot to get the naked girl from the room i tossed her in. oops/

funny shit

so the other day I saw this chinese kid, like 4, walk headfirst into a glass door bc he didnt realize it was there. it was pretty fuckin priceless.

the bay

i am followed by a distinct inability to accept your absence. that is all i can say.

i swear, the handful of places we were together became holy for me. became a mourning ground.

once, we went to a sports bar and you were eating and i wasnt. we were watching a hockey game on TV. we didnt know what the hell was going on in the game but we noticed people cheering and clapping. so we joined in but our only signpost were the people around us. when we heard them start to get excited, we’d high five like we were the biggest fans there.

that was the best part of you jamer. we could pretend together. create a little universe.

anyway, i dont believe you’re gone. i believe you’re sitting in front of me right now. beside me. everyfuckingday.

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday, Jamer.

every single day that has passed has left me tormented by the fact that youre gone. the world seems to only exist to remind me of your absence, and I, in the background of conscious thought, somehow still expect this twisted reality to correct itself. that youll somehow appear randomly, and our conversations will then go on as if nothing ever occurred. i find myself frequently weighing the possible options to trade for your life, and so much that continues to exist today, would be an instant swap. but its never that simple. to see what people around me have become, the fleecing, the corruption, the homogenization, the dishearteningly unabated dilution of their staunch souls, weighs me down with the realization of how dim my surroundings truly are. the world suddenly became heavy with limitations and requisitions and vanilla-bland domesticated pursuits, everyone became adults too soon.

I miss you.

Dear Jamer,
I’ve met a girl, wish you could have met her. She has so much energy. I don’t know if you’d like her or not, but i like to think that you’d approve.

I’ve been thinking a lot about you recently. Everyone says it gets easier. For me it comes in waves. I’ll be on the train just staring out the window and a song you gave me will come on and i just tear up and sometimes i just can’t stop. I don’t know why but part of me still feels so guilty. I feel like i left you. like i left everyone. like i’m still here in japan because i’m running from life. sometimes i can’t help but think that things may have been different if i was there that night. i know it’s not good to think like that but i honestly can’t help it. thank you again for everything youve given me. because of you i feel so human now. more than ever.

r.

i’m doing it!!!!

JAMER! if you were here i would call you every day to tell you that i’m doing it!!! i’m changing my life! i left my job! everything i told you i wanted to do is actually possible!

every time i think of the conversation we had about pottery, i can’t let myself give up. because you told me it was a good idea!

lawl(s).

-c4c